Literal Little Metaphors

The characters in today's performance...

Yesterday my six year old was upset but refused to tell us why. Given emotional stability isn't something she is exactly known for... This wasn't much of a disruption in our day. Honestly, as much as I teach that conflict is a real or perceived incompatibility, and truth is in the eye of the beholder or mind of the receiver, and thoughts and feelings are real to the individual... My middle daughter still spends lots of time in imagined realities and figuring out what disturbed the great unicorn librarian/giraffe diplomat/ballerina mermaid/mother of twelve LOL dolls in one of her many universes was not a high priority for a Sunday afternoon.

I digress.

So anyhow, my child was upset and being the *cough-cough* exceptional parents we are we didn't really dive into it when she didn't want to talk about it. However, she decided she was ready to converse today concerning her mood yesterday. The great offense to her six year old sensibilities?

I had told her younger sister, our youngest daughter, that I *gasp* appreciated her.

I know.. High treason. One should never hear your parents appreciate your sibling. Just really uncalled for stuff.

So let's chat about how this horrific situation came about.

We have two small dogs. Helping care for the dogs is part of the requirements in the quest for the littlest ranks of our household to learn responsibility. Yesterday, the day of the great upset, a request of the six year old to let the dogs out was met with a verbal showing of frustration. She did do as she was asked but not without some whining about how we "never let her rest" and how she has "too much to do".

Let me assure you an independent counsel has determined these claims to be untrue although amusing to her parental units.

When the dogs were ready to be let back in the house, the youngest child was asked to do so. Again, the request was completed but without the whining displayed by her older sister. So I said, "Thank you. I appreciate you letting the dogs in without whining about having to do it." I said this very loudly in fact.  Probably louder on the second part.  Children aren't known for picking up on subtle hints.

Important to note, both children were thanked for completing the action. While we acknowledged the negative response (aka whining complaints) of our middle daughter, she wasn't corrected since she did as she asked. However, praising the behavior we expected, displayed by her younger sister, had a big impact.

So today when she was ready to talk about how that made her feel, we had a great chance to discuss her choices. We discussed how we didn't appreciate her sister more as a person, that her little sister exhibited the positive behavior we would like to see more of, and that she could decide to act that way in the future too. The decision to whine was hers and the decision not to whine would be hers as well.

No correction required to have this meaningful exchange. Does this mean she isn't going to whine again? Oh please... Do not make me laugh. I'm not saying I cured whining (I would be so rich as I don't know a parent or any adult that interacts with minors that wouldn't pay for that). I'm saying we had a positive exchange where we promoted growth and reinforced our values. We are just kinda banking on doing those two things when possible produces functional human beings.

Most individuals are capable of self reflecting on their behaviors. Most individuals are capable of understanding when they did wrong. We chose to praise the positive and be neutral to the negative... And the offending party noticed! She got upset as though she had been corrected, when she hadn't, but was much more open for turning it into a learning experience than she probably would've been if we had punished her for being a little bratty earlier.

After all, let's break this down. The expectation we put out, the request, was to let the dogs outside. She did. While her attitude was less than ideal, we did not put the expectation out there that she complete the task and be gracious about it. If we expected that, we should've clearly defined it. She met the goal we defined. Also, if anyone knows how to clearly define gracious to a six year old let me know.

We did acknowledge we heard her complaints. We know they are as ridiculous as most of her stories, but she was heard and acknowledged. After all, in the moment I am sure her complaints felt real to her. 

When presented with exceptional behavior that met the clearly defined goal and supported the values we are trying to embody, we praised the action and by publicly praising those actions we celebrated the ideal.

When approached about her 'performance standards' we took it away from the person and focused on behaviors and were future-centric. As in, not what happened yesterday but what she could do in the future. It was concrete and obtainable. She has control and ownership moving forward. She may get it right next time, she may not.  This is relevant and gets us to the next point on why I am blabbering about my kids.

Tonight I realized you could replace my four and six year old daughters with any two members of my team and letting the dogs out with any task of our department and the approach would be valid.

• Clearly set expectations.
• Listen to your people, even if you don't agree.
• Correct privately, only when needed. 
• Praise publicly actions that align with your values and goals.
• Focus feedback on actions and not on the person.
• Make discussion on how we are going to improve in the future and don't harp on previous behaviors. 
• Give them obtainable goals they can own. 
• ...and realize you are going to mess it up more times than you do it right, but keep trying anyhow...whether it's parenting or leadership.

Good luck and Godspeed!